Author’s note: This blog is uncharacteristically political and satirical in nature and therefore falls outside my usual content. It contains thoughts that I felt needed to be said. It almost wrote itself and is the closest I come to automatic writing. If you are not an American political wonk and do not follow political writers, content providers and politicians, feel free to pass on this post.
A despondent, but strangely relieved Trump legal team made their way into the presser accompanied by security personnel. This event was to announce the team’s decision to halt their legal efforts to steal the election from the affable Harris-Biden team. In an inspirational display of bipartisan comity reminiscent of the ceasefire of Christmas 1914 and at odds with the last 4 years under the former Trump Presidency, natural enemies set aside their differences to advance the voice of the people. Principled stalwarts of conservatism linked arms figuratively (since COVID restrictions strictly forbade such intimacy) with celebrated progressives. The vibe of camaraderie was palpable as those in attendance gazed at the tableau taking shape before them. History was being made tonight. Giuliani and his cronies were the first to take their places flanked by progressives and members of the hard right who came together in solidarity for one night only.
Sitting on the left were members of the ACLU, Teachers’ Union, Hollywood executives, the Young Turks, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Dorsey, Jeff Zucker and the leaders of Antifa, Black Lives Matter, and finally Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Entering from the right of the stage were Jonah Goldberg, Jeb Bush, John Kasich, Susan Collins, Jeff Flake, Mitt Romney, Chris Christie, Bill Kristol and other members of the Lincoln Project. Finally, in what was could best be described as a magnificent coup, David French had coaxed the man of the hour to broker this moment of civility. The crowd burst into uproarious applause as conservative podcaster and noted anti-feminist, Andrew Klavan, took to the stage.
Once the ovation died down, Rudy Giuliani rose first as he mumbled greetings and sputtered incoherently through his mask; offering a sub-par explanation of what had transpired that led to this fortuitous meeting. Acting as a proxy of this man who had become a shell and caricature of his former self, legal team member Jenna Elli first led the doddering septuagenarian back to his seat and promised to elucidate and extrapolate on the old man’s ramblings.
“We had been in the process of gathering and reading through thousands of affidavits and interviewing a stream of poll watchers with detailed accounts and videos of fraudulent voting and abnormalities when there was a loud knock at the door. After ducking for cover to in case it was another freedom lover coming to express his displeasure at the team’s efforts, I was delighted to see my friend Drew greet me with David French in tow. He asked to have a chat as he begged our indulgence for just a few minutes. He assured us he was certain he could resolve the electoral impasse that was bitterly dividing our country if we’d only hear him out.”
Sidney Powell picked up the story from there. “Many people don’t know that Andrew Klavan was responsible for my being ejected from the legal team, but I bear no grudges. He had convinced Jenna during one of their off-air discussions that I was bat-crazy for imagining the voting machines could be manipulated or that any Democrat could have participated in throwing an election against Trump. In the end he convinced us all that we were off our collective rockers. He broke the tension by announcing that it was time to “release the Klavan.” The room erupted into gales of laughter. Ellis went on to report that he routinely referred to himself in the third person.
Lin Wood continued, “Andrew stated that our skepticism was ill-founded since the election actually turned out as he expected. He referred to this as the “Klavan principle.” He reminded us of something that had not been anywhere on our radar. We were gobsmacked with the news that President Trump had been a polarizing figure. It was this fact alone that caused the Trump campaign to go down in flames. Suburban women in specific Democrat counties in swing states had become galvanized to vote this misogynist out of office. This led even those on or beyond their deathbed to complete ballots that progressive volunteers selflessly agreed to help them fill out and submit. Consequently, there was a mass exodus from the boorish Trump to lunchbucket Joe in record numbers – at least in those selected battleground states. This led to numbers that managed to defy every historical electoral count and even managing to violate statistical laws that have governed the results of all past elections and even natural laws of probability – much like flipping a coin tails 570,000 times in a row.”
Giuliani managed to curb his enthusiasm enough to blurt out that Biden had inspired a record eighteenfold increase in the number of those 90 and older to register and vote Biden in the contested states and we knew our goose was cooked. We had been so preoccupied with affidavits, written and visual evidence that we had failed to consider what the defendant’s case would be if we didn’t happen to have these binders full of election fraud claims. Andrew perfectly summed it up for us and we knew there was no point in proceeding. This seemingly simple insight was the missing piece that explained so much, including the passion that would lead to more than 100% of eligible voters casting ballots for Biden only.”
Powell interjected, “We discovered much to our chagrin that we could have allowed the President elect to assume the office has we not wasted time listening to the gripes of common citizens who clearly had a Trump bias. He reminded us that Donald Trump could shoot someone in the oval office and people would not report it. Surely, they would risk going to prison for inventing voter fraud was an easy sacrifice to make. We had lost our objectivity and conflated the evidence as Christian lawyers are wont to do. Speaking with Andrew ended up being a game-changer.”
Klavan then stepped up to the podium to more thunderous applause. In introducing himself, he took pains to stress that there were no “e’s” in Klavan and signaled for a ditty attesting to this fact be played off-stage. “Look,” he said, “It was a forgone conclusion that Joe Biden was going to take the election. I ran the numbers and had the assurance from Twitter and Facebook that voter fraud was extremely unlikely. The real topper was when Trump spent a couple of days in hospital after contracting the Kung flu” (pause for laughter), “and it was then that people knew how deadly this virus was and that Trump was not taking it seriously.” The famed podcaster then opened the floor to questions.
One reporter queried, “Is there any truth to the lie that mail-in ballots, ballot harvesting, ballots having dates changed, pristine ballots without folds, truckloads of ballots dropped off could have in any way altered the election results? Is there any reason to believe that this was not a ploy concocted by Trump and his minions?”
Klavan responded, “There’s always going to be a little voter fraud here or there, but nothing to effect an election. A couple of hundred votes from each side evens everything out. After all, both sides complained of voter fraud.”
A voice from the audience called out, “But Republicans and Democrats were both complaining solely about Democrat voter fraud.” The disturbance was quickly addressed and the man was led out of the hall. He apparently decided to leave the country as his family never saw him again.
“How did Joe Biden receive percentages of votes?”
A member of the Teacher’s Union leapt up and announced she could answer this. “It makes perfect sense if you understand common core math. She brought out a chalkboard and began to demonstrate the process based on 80 votes and was on her third chalkboard as the meeting was adjourned.
Another reluctantly remarked: “We have been informed and shown footage of Republican poll watchers not allowed to oversee ballots by being kept far from the ballot counting tables, locked out of polling stations where windows were boarded up, or Republicans were sent home with promises that the counting was stopped only to learn Democrats continued through the night. Is there an innocent explanation for this?”
“Certainly,” a bemused Klavan responded. “Have you heard of a little thing called the Kung flu or the Wu flu?” More laughter. “Democrats were terrified of catching it. They just wanted to be safe. Its why they needed all those mail in ballots and not the cynical claim from Republicans that it makes voting fraud easy.”
AOC vented at the questioner: “Have you forgotten about the witch trials? The Crusades? Imagine me and my fellow Hispanics being trapped in a room with the same people who did the Spanish Inquisition? These people voted for a man who was literally Hitler. Christians are a huge threat to our very existence.”
Klavan, didn’t hear the response, but got drawn into a situation where he and AOC were making googly eyes at one another. He was later humiliated to discover he was the only one making googly eyes. It turned out that AOC was simply looking his way.
An extremist reporter from Newsmax fomented, “But if the left really felt Donald Trump was like Hitler and given the fact that mail-in votes are subject to fraud, couldn’t this have motivated the left to commit voter fraud in order to get him out of office at any cost?”
Klavan responded perfunctorily, “I have not yet seen enough evidence to convince me, so, no, it couldn’t have happened.”
The Newsmax reporter also needed to leave the hall and apparently took a tumble down the stairs in an effort to beat a hasty retreat.
A question was then directed to Jenna Ellis.
“Is it true that a pipe burst in Georgia where pollsters were sent home before a huge spike was reported from that county in favour of Biden?”
“Well not quite”, Ellis responded. “It turned out to be a urinal that overflowed in the morning and it was repaired before the Democrats started the vote counts after sending Republicans home.”
The room got quiet as all eyes angrily turned to Ellis and Antifa started in her direction. Klavan was quick to come to the rescue, joking, “Remember, this was a Democrat county. Where are you going to find a Democrat plumber? They don’t give degrees in plumbing from Harvard.” The room nodded and chortled in response, mollified by the explanation.
Suddenly, a cacophony of questions redounded throughout the room so quickly that it was impossible to identify who had spoken:
“Why did many of the ballots have perfectly filled out circles that reportedly looked like they were done by a computer?”
“Why were rates of rejected mail in ballots so low even though vastly more people were completing them for the first time?”
“Why were Sharpies given out in conservative districts even though rules specifically stipulate they were not to be used?”
“How come every voting error worked to Biden’s favour?”
“This doesn’t explain how Biden got 570,000 votes in a dump where Trump got an almost statistical zero with 3,200 votes.”
“What about the ballots hidden under tables and why did they send Republican poll watchers home?”
“What about the trucks full of ballots dropped off in the middle of the night?’
“How did all the USB sticks get misplaced and why were machines connected to the internet?”
“Can you explain why many ballots were run through several times?”
“Why were several boxes of ballots already separated based on the candidate they voted for even though they weren’t to be opened ahead of time?”
“How about the illegal change in election laws in the contested states and the backdating of ballots?”
“What about the memos handed out in some districts to Democrat poll watchers advising them how to distract Republicans?”
“How come Dominion offices were shut down and moved suddenly and the head of security who was discovered to be involved with Antifa and promised Trump would never win during a phone call disappeared?”
Why did those who worked at Dominion do a mass scrubbing of their names from the Linked In network?”
The questions went on for about 10 minutes before the riot police moved in to put down the threat.
Jack Dorsey interjected to address the common theme. “Voter fraud is rare, so clearly that didn’t happen here. To claim otherwise does not qualify as facts. The issue has been solved.”
A voice from the back commented, “I’m sure Venezuelans, North Koreans and the Chinese are relieved to know that.” The man regrettably had a blow out on the way home and his car was found at the bottom of a ravine.
Klavan boldly announced, “Look! Clearly there has not been enough fraud to overturn the election since Bill Barr admitted as much and he is obviously a principled conservative.”
“How do you know that?” an OAN anchor chided. “There was documented proof that the Obama administration spied on the Trump team based on a false dossier bought by Hillary Clinton and that the FBI and CIA were complicit, yet no one has faced charges. He also knew about Hunter Biden’s laptop and that he was under investigation for over a year, yet said nothing as Trump was impeached for the phone call directly related to this and Barr never said a…” The reporter had to leave to deal with an emergency at home. Her house was on fire.”
Klavan responded to where the reporter had been standing, “That was simple incompetence. Just look at the investigative team. They were so inept that 27 investigators entered the wrong password 11 times on their cell phones while set to airplane mode and managed to delete all their communications. Do these guys sound smart enough to participate in a cover up?”
Klavan added, “And we know Barr is honest and fair because he tells Republicans things they don’t want to hear.”
“That’s also why we know that CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, the New York Times, The Washington Post and the rest of media are principled. That’s also why we know Republicans are deplorable.” This elicited plenty of applause including from Mitt Romney and Chris Christie.
The crowds were getting restless, so Klavan offered his closing thoughts.
“I know this is a tough pill for conservatives and Republican voters to swallow. They were sure that the wind was at their backs with tens of thousands showing up at their rallies while Biden couldn’t pull together a bobsled team. The answer is clear. The Wu flu. Seniors saw Trump catch a mild case, boldly come out after a couple of days and they knew this was deadlier than they could have ever imagined. Furthermore, what grandparent wants to risk being around their kids and grandkids in the twilight of their lives when they know they could be safely sequestering themselves off from the world?”
“If conservatives really want to capture the imagination of the world, they need to pour their efforts into the entertainment industry. They need to get away from the mamby pamby tripe they put out and do the conservative version of Game of Thrones. Spicing up their entertainment is the sure way to bring in voters. They need to drop their unrelatable squeaky clean images and get in the mud a little. In the meantime, its time to moveon.org. Turn that frown upside down. Don’t worry, my conservative friends. We’ll get ‘em next time.”
Putting a cap on the evening, David French stepped up to the microphone to share an observation. “For anyone who doubts that the country is safer and better off with Trump out of office, let me draw your attention to the fact that while the legal team came in tonight with bodyguards and a security team. Upon announcing in favour of Biden, the security has left as they are no longer needed. Everyone can now get along much better with Biden in office.” Asked who would be a solid Republican to run against Biden in 4 years, he nodded to Jeb Bush, praising his conservative bona fides and civility.
From there, the Trump legal team were led out the back door where they were greeted by enthusiastic thongs representing Black Lives Matter and Antifa who had waited to offer their perspective as the sun set on a grateful universe.